A sad day

DIL2B's (daughter-in-law to be) Mom died yesterday. It was expected, but that kind of news is never easy to hear. It was bone cancer and she was just diagnosed last November. She had decided about a month ago to stop all treatments. I don't know for sure but I imagine, already being bedridden before the diagnosis, this was just the last straw for her.

Her Mom had slipped into a type of dementia last week where she had to have round the clock supervision. Hospice had been coming twice a week. As much as she wanted her Mom to see them get married, she hesitated with the bedroom wedding ceremony they had planned because she said it would all seem to final then. After she was married, her Mom could die. Once her Mom was unaware of her surroundings, it was too late. Andy had said one of their last talks was about how she was so happy that her daughter was engaged. That will have to be enough for her now.

Its funny the things you take for granted. A family member dies, you plan a funeral. I had told DIL2B to let me know when arrangements had been made. Then I realized, there might not be any arrangements. They have no money. None. How do you have a funeral with no money? I am still waiting to hear. She had been here when she got the call. Andy took her home but hasn't talked to her since because their phones were disconnected two months ago. He is going to her house tomorrow night but she will call from a pay phone if she needs him before that. After hearing that, Hubby made arrangements to put her on our cell plan.

I told her that if there was anything I could do, to let me know. As much as I meant it, I have no clue what I can do for her. I know its what people always say though, "If there is anything I can do..." Her Mom was only 44.

My other DIL is going through something similar with her own Mom. She has leukemia. She was in remission when I met her. Its come back twice. She will be taking her last dose of Chemo this week. Then she is done. For good. I don't know if its because there are only so many times you can have chemo or she has just decided that she is done with it? DIL said its a relief for her Mom to know this will be the last time she has to get sick from the treatments. The last time she will shave her head. What ever happens, happens. She has made her peace with it.

That is hard for me to understand, much like when we heard that DIL2B's Mom had decided to stop treatments. When I told R that, she became visibly upset and asked me if that were to happen to me, what would I do? Would I give up and wait to die or would I keep fighting and not leave her. I told her honestly, I don't know what I would do but it was the way she said it, "would you leave me?" Ugh. I would like to think I would keep trying but maybe it gets to a point where its just too hard. I haven't walked in these women's shoes yet, so I don't know.

I usually tear up every time I think of Baby D and how Granny R must feel, knowing that she might not be here to see him grow up. How can anyone be at peace with that? Maybe its because I don't have the kind of faith she has that I cant seem to understand how she can accept. It just tears my heart open to think about how I would feel if I knew I might not be here to see R get married and have children. Not being here to spoil Baby D and any other Babies that come along in the future. And I think about it even more now since the phone call from Kaiser telling me I need "more tests" and I have no health insurance. That is surely what you would call bad timing. Getting that call two days after your health insurance has been cancelled.

But this isn't about me, or Granny R. This is about another woman, and I just now realized I don't even know her name. How sad is that? I will never be able to meet my future DIL's Mom. Andy said that she had told the family that she didn't want her death to be a big deal. She just wanted them to plant a tree in her name, which is what we will do in the near future.